Ellen Reads the Worst Hotel Reviews

So since you can’t
travel, I came up with a segment that
is going to show you why that’s a good thing. I went to TripAdvisor where
you can leave hotel reviews, and I looked for the worst
reviews that I could find. It’s a brand new segment I’m
calling “Don’t Go There.” Let’s see, I should
get my glasses. Which I didn’t — I gotta get my glasses. Sorry. [BANGING] I’m hearing noise in my ear now. Audio, I’m hearing like banging. Yeah, I had to go
find my glasses, and they were up on a shelf. OK. I got it. OK. Thank you. There’s no need for
you to chime in though. Thank you. OK, we can edit that out. All right, this is a review
of a hotel in Detroit. “I stayed here for two
nights and found four wasps on the first– that’s a
hard word to say, “wasps.” “Wasps.” “I stayed here for two
nights and found four wasps on the first day, only
to find an actual wasp nest in the curtain of my room. When I went to the front
desk, they said ‘they cannot guarantee there won’t be
wasps in any other rooms'”. See? This is probably making
you feel better already. Unless you have more than four
wasps in your house right now, this is a good hotel. This is a review of
a hotel in Toronto. “The rooms were about what
I expected for the price. However, the sheets
seemed as though they hadn’t been washed in months. And the word ‘run’ was carved
into the broken dresser.” Someone took the time to
carve “run” into the dresser. Although that doesn’t have
to be a bad thing really. Maybe they were trying to
write this room is a home run and then they got tired. Although now that I think
about it, whey would they start with the word “run”? Why am I trying to make this
hotel better than it is. It’s obviously a terrible hotel. “Run” in the dresser. Can you imagine, “tWitch”
You’re laying in bed and– This is a review of
a hotel in Cancun. “When I got to my room, I
saw something on the floor. I got closer, and
it was a lizard– in giant caps, LIZARD– I have a huge phobia of lizards. So I called the front desk
and they moved my room. When we arrived in my
new room, another lizard, three times the
size of the first, was at the top of my door. I was up all night. Eventually, I fell
asleep, but then when I woke up there
was a lizard in my bed. You know what
keeps lizards away? Wasps. I assume. I mean, the person in the
wasp hotel never saw a lizard, so I rest my case. Hey, you got a
little doggy there. My little Chihuahua. Sweet doggy. All right, one more. And finally there’s
a review of a guest of an apartment in Spain. “Liked– location. Disliked– naked
old man on balcony.” Apparently every room
has a view of downtown because the man was
naked, and I have to say “downtown”
instead of “penis” because it’s a daytime show. You know, I like
explaining the jokes. It really helps pass the time. All right, hopefully that
makes you feel better about not going anywhere.

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