Captain’s log stardate 42609.1 In response to a desperate plea from my old friend Captain Yamato I am running a grave risk by taking the Enterprise into the neutral zone Open a hailing frequency, Data. USS Enterprise to Yamato.
Respond please. USS Enterprise calling Yamato Respond please, on this frequency Transmission from Yamato, Sir. On viewer. Greetings Picard. Yamato! What’s a nice Starfleet captain like you doing in a place like this!? Avoiding your cheesy pickup lines for start! How may we be of assistance? We have an emergency here, Captain, and desperately need your help. Your transmission is breaking up
[garbled audio] Mr Data, try and clean that up. [garbled]
~”losing power..~…need assistance.~..immediately….” Yamato, this is the enterprise. “….~neutral zone..~…” Yamato, COME IN! [static noise. Stops abruptly] Ugh! Sorry Picard. Skype’s rubbish. Let’s try something else. Are you on whatsapp? Of course. Do you think that’ll be any better? Yes, once it’s installed Okay, I’ll need to download it. Give me a sec Okay, I’m back At last. How can we help? As I was saying, Captain. We’re losing power and don’t have much time. Hello? Can you hear me? Ahhh bollocks!..Hang on. Hi, sorry the Wi-Fi on this ship is terrible. I’m nearer to the router now. It’s that better Do you have any idea what caused this? Yeah, it was Ensign Tang downloading Game of Thrones He’s paused it now, we should be okay. Splendid, what is your situation? Critical. I appreciate you risking your entire crew by coming here. In the Neutral Zone? Yes. It’s terrifying! everything’s so… …neutral. We could die of boredom at any moment. How can we help? Well, we were wondering Captain… …does anyone there have a spare phone charger? Very unlikely Micro USB, you know the one with a flat bit? It’s a very long time to have such technology Tell me about it! Our phones are ancient Starfleet never upgrade us. They give all the… the.. Samsung… Galaxy…class… flagships to you guys. We feel quite neglected here. I can imagine that you would be. erm.. Have you got any spare phones we can have? An old Android perhaps? No, I’m afraid not. hmm. Okay. Well how about that charging cable? I’m almost down to one bar. I believe, Captain, we can provide them with a temporary substitute. -Can we beam one over?
-Yes Captain, we are beaming over a replacement. Fantastic! Thank you, Picard.
Standing by to receive What the fuck!? This is a lightning cable I specifically said “Micro USB” How the hell am I supposed to connect this to anything? Everyone’s on low battery. We’ve got a ton of work~~ Warp six. Any heading. Now! Starfleet keep bugging me about the TPS reports and we’re running out of power over here. There’s no way we’re gonna be able to upload anything Picard?… Enterprise come in. Son of a….